New Rule: Unless You Own A Satellite, You Can’t Claim Climate Change Isn’t Real

New Rule: Unless You Own A Satellite, You Can’t Claim Climate Change Isn’t Real

This Earth Day I’d like to thank all the people who don’t own, operate, or monitor global oceanic temperature buoys, coordinated fleets of weather satellites in the thermosphere, ocean acidification sensors, 24/7 weather radar stations, and who have never experienced via careerist study or even recreational travel the locales and climes around the world eroding from the calamitous effects of climate change literally right now before our eyes, but who still think that their opinion that climate change isn’t real is just as valid as the experts who collectively and painstakingly began measuring and calling out global warming in LITERALLY 1965 when the President’s Council of Advisers on Science & Technology warned Lyndon B. Johnson that carbon dioxide-burning fossil fuels would “almost certainly cause significant changes” that “could be deleterious from the point of view of human beings.” I love the phrasing of that. For more than FIFTY YEARS scientists have been vocally warning that atmospheric carbon is an inescapable, species-wide problem.

So on this Earth Day, new rule: if you don’t physically own a satellite that sits in space all day taking pictures of Greenland’s alarmingly receding sea ice with which you compare to pictures of Greenland’s past decades, you don’t get to arbitrarily claim that the 1.2 BILLION cars driving on the world’s roads today via the process of setting fire to fossil fuel in a dirty chain reaction emitting roughly 20 pounds of carbon dioxide PER GALLON of gasoline has not meaningfully contributed to the world’s omnipresent environmental problems.

The overwhelming evidence of a fucked up planet in ecological distress is copious and freely available. I have even attached a NASA website page below for convenience. Make sure to click the “+ MORE” tabs provided for extra information, citations, and links to other scientific groups and entities that wholly agree about the severity of the planetary carbon crisis. NASA cares deeply about your scientific understanding and global consciousness, and they have prepared a wonderfully concise website that shows how the evidence of climate change goes far beyond the simple and inarguable rise of average temperature. (Hint: I bet you didn’t know about ocean acidification–which has risen 30% from what it used to be–and unless you think 2/3rds of the Earth’s surface should absolutely be an acidic wasteland inhabited solely by jellyfish, you might want to start giving a fuck.)

And, again, unless you PERSONALLY OWN AND OPERATE A SATELLITE in the thermo or exosphere, NASA’s collective and professional opinion is better and more factually informed than yours.

Happy Earth Day to everyone who cares about knowing what they talk about. For everyone who chooses not to know what they talk about, I hope you have to sit at a red light for a minute behind a disgusting gas-guzzling truck and breathe in the delightful carbon dioxide pollutants that you think have no measurable, human-induced effect on our climate.

Levi Olson

Senior political columnist here at Contemptor, and a political scientist proving that American conservatism is a sham. Follow me on Tumblr at or on Facebook & Twitter @theleviolson.