Little-Known Facts About Hillary Clinton
Despite Hillary’s triumphant performance at Monday’s debate, I think all of us are a little weary of all the mansplaining she had to sit through. Still, any candidate running for the highest office in the country should have her background rigorously examined. In hopes of expanding our picture of the woman who will be President, I have taken it upon myself to gather some little-known facts about Hillary Rodham Clinton.
Hillary Clinton was born for this job.
Upon Secretary Clinton’s birth, doctors were startled to find the infant diplomat wrapped in an American flag. Nurses who were in the room at the time recall the immediate sound of “Hail to the Chief” playing from no apparent source, while witnesses driving by the hospital at the time recall the amazing sight of dozens of bald eagles taking flight from the hospital roof, only breaking their uniform military formation to spell out the words “Madam President” in the sky. Despite subsequent research and write-ups in several medical journals, no scientific explanation for this phenomenon has yet emerged.
Hillary has been preparing for the Presidency her whole life.
In late 1951, four-year-old Hillary Rodham wandered into her backyard to find the weather unseasonably warm. The yard had sprouted with meadow flowers in every color and the air was golden and fragrant. A few feet away, there sat a shining white unicorn, its warm, gentle eye fixed on the future Secretary of State as she toddled up to it and reached out to touch its nose. The magnificent beast lowered its head in respectful submission as the future leader of the free world stroked its mane. “What do you want?” the regal child asked in awe. “Ride with me,” the unicorn responded reverently, “and I will take you to the Land of Justice, where all the people of Fairyland send their brightest children to learn fair and compassionate leadership. There, you will be prepared for your destiny.” And so the tiny lawmaker mounted the back of the shining unicorn and flew away on it, her golden curls frolicking in the breeze. She was not seen again until she entered Wellesley College as a freshman in 1965, though she wrote to her parents weekly during the interim.
Just like the rest of us, Hillary makes mistakes.
Secretary Clinton is much like you and I in her capacity for human error. Unlike you and I, however, when Hillary makes a mistake, she is comforted by every baby animal in a five-mile radius. For example, when the Benghazi email fiasco broke, Washington, D.C. traffic was blocked for almost an hour as every puppy and kitten in the general area flocked to the Harry S. Truman building to make its support for Secretary Clinton in her time of shame known. The Secretary greeted her animal friends cordially, made a personal effort to hug each and every one of them, and then sent them all back to their homes with a brand new American flag bandana around their necks.
Like many of us, Hillary Clinton has secrets.
Transparency is important in a Presidential campaign, and Secretary Clinton has been achieving this goal fairly well, especially in comparison to the caginess of her opponent, Donald Trump. There is, however, one thing Secretary Clinton feels that the American public doesn’t need to know. As a “journalist,” it is my job to expose this secret: Secretary Clinton is actually a magical elf who delivers gifts to the underprivileged children of the world. Evidence of Secretary Clinton’s magical heritage can be seen in her rosy apple cheeks, her sparkling eyes, her unflappable hair, and her bold outfit choices. What is not widely known, however, is that Clinton spends her spare time traveling all over the world to deliver gifts to deprived children. Every day children whose families struggle to make ends meet wake up to find fresh fruit and brand new books on their nightstands, or dollar bills under their pillows, all thanks to the generosity and magical powers of the former First Lady of the United States of America.
I hope that these facts help you to see our future President in a new light. And hey, whether or not you support the candidate endorsed by OLWBGAPA (Old Ladies Who Bake Great Apple Pie For America) and USCU (The United States Cabal of Unicorns), remember to VOTE this November and make your voice heard!
Image via Politico