The Blunt, Physical Appraisal Donald Trump Deserves

The Blunt, Physical Appraisal Donald Trump Deserves

Donald Trump is a bully in every sense of the word, so he deserves some bullying back.

For starters, Donald Trump looks like Billy, the chubby oldest child in Family Circus, grown elderly. Trump’s cartoonish hair style is even the same.

Trump may be 70 years old, but nothing about his face suggests that he has taken aging in stride. His obvious plastic surgery is losing the battle of gravity, and his jowls are starting to detach from his skull. His mouth and cheeks are drooping into an almost permanent frown, as if the weight of the bigotry coming out of his mouth is too much for his tiny, thin lips to support. Also, is it just me, or does Trump talk with a pronounced underbite? As punctuation in speeches he likes to stretch his lower jaw as far as it will go, which no doubt exacerbates the problem.

His skin is orange from conspicuous spray tan, and is inconsistent in its shade. It makes his eyebrows look albino, and his whole head looks like a pumpkin.

Trump’s eyes seem to have permanent bags beneath them, though maybe this isn’t surprising given that Trump allegedly sleeps very little in order to stay up late tweeting childish insults on the only media platform that does not challenge his limited, juvenile vocabulary. The chronic drowsiness has apparently forced his eyes into an eternal half-squint.

His real tour de force masterpiece of ungraceful aging, however, is his hair. The composition of the hydrochlorofluorocarbon-sprayed bird nest on his head — that he swears is real hair — defies biology. It looks like either a hairpiece sewn into his actual hair, or a painstaking work of implants. His father, Fred Trump, had an early receding hairline so it wouldn’t be surprising if Trump were hiding a genetically bald scalp. Inauthenticity is the only explanation for his hair’s inexplicable behavior in the wind. It blows all over and is really long in awkward places, betraying an extensive combover effort. The front of his hair hangs over his forehead like a solid mat, and seems to wrap around the top of his head from the back like an epic mullet. Trump claims it is real, but an extensive investigation by Gawker seems to prove otherwise.

Meanwhile, the color of Trump’s hair is inconsistent and seems to fluctuate between different shades of red, yellow, white, and grey every time Trump gives a speech. Maybe the tanning spray gets in his hair?

And, finally, his dwarfish hands. Trump made a big fuss about allegations of his hands being small, but, seriously, watch any video of him: his fingers are short, little sausage chubs. I don’t know if finger size actually is indicative of other bodily measurements, but if it is… don’t imagine this image because artist Illma Gore already has.

As usual, with his self-conscious compensation-complex in full view, Trump threatened to sue the artist. Classic overreaction by little pee-pee Trump.

Levi Olson

Levi Olson

Senior political columnist here at Contemptor, and a political scientist proving that American conservatism is a sham. Follow me on Tumblr at or on Facebook & Twitter @theleviolson.