Seven Screaming Children Who Hate A Black Dude Wasted Over Two Hours Of Our Time

Fox Business got the pleasure of hosting its second Republican Presidential debate of this primary season. It also happened to be the first of 2016. (Sadly, it won’t be the last.)

Unlike the previous debate on the network, which came shortly after the CNBC debate that got all the candidates whining about the liberal media, resulting in Fox Business going super easy on the poor babies, this time the moderators wanted to see blood. With Donald Trump and Ted Cruz going after each other lately over Cruz’s natural born citizen status, and Marco Rubio, Chris Christie, Jeb Bush and Cruz all getting into their own little skirmishes, it wasn’t going to take much.

So, yes, we got the slapfights that we all expected. Cruz and Trumpy tangled over citizenship, with Cruz seemingly coming out ahead based on the crowd’s reaction. Trump, though, got some points back by getting emotional (for him) over New York in response to Cruz’s attacks on “New York Values.” Christie told Rubio to shut up and that he blew his previous chance to speak. Jeb was weak and ineffectual, because he’s Jeb.

But, the real star of the show was President Barack Obama. Hardly a minute would go by without one candidate talking about the hellscape Obummer had created in the remains of what was once the United States of America, what with his 5% unemployment rate and widely-available health insurance. Sometimes, the men would take to attacking Hillary Clinton, mostly just to mix it up a bit, but they just couldn’t help but mention a man that isn’t running for office this November.

Christie called him a petulant child, a callback to some other time he previously insulted the President. (He must really like the line.) Rubio couldn’t answer a question without first making sure everyone knew that everything wrong in their lives was Obama’s fault. Jeb told people that they were better off when the economy was shedding nearly a million jobs a month after his brother broke the country. Ben Carson — apparently he’s still running — let us know Obama would possibly bring a nuclear holocaust and EMPs. Cruz peeled off his face and revealed he was a lizard. It was that kind of night.

By the end of the night, it was all anyone up on stage could do to not fling their own poop. (I’m sure Donald made a boom-boom in his pants.) While shit wasn’t tossed with their hands, it was spewed from their mouths. Eventually, we got to the closing statements, an excruciatingly two and a half hours after the whole thing started.

John Kasich took up the most time with his statement in an effort to remind us he was still in the race. Jeb looked defeated. Carson tried to sell his books on stage. Ol’ Teddy Boy told us to go see the latest Michael Bay movie. And Trump told us how bad diplomacy was for getting ten sailors held by Iran released within hours and that, if he were President, he’d make sure they stayed hostages so as to Make America Great Again.

I really think they need to cancel this reality show. It just isn’t believable anymore.