Melania Trump Is The Most Bullied Person In The World

Disclaimer: this is satire, you philistine.

She said it because someone had to. When you’re a damsel in distress, sometimes you have to be your own white knight. That’s why Melania Trump came to her own rescue and dropped this truth bomb: that she, First Lady of the United States, is the most bullied person in the world.

Why wasn’t anybody talking about this before? The signs were there. Frankly, it’s shameful that we had to wait for Melania to risk her reputation by coming out as a bullying victim. This should already have been part of the national dialogue for years. How could we have been so blind?

After all, Melania’s unique position as the wife of the most powerful man in the country places her at the nexus of many a dangerous, self-absorbed, and cruel ego. Of course, such a prominent position would be overwhelming and traumatic for a simple model-turned-Jane-Austen-villain like Melania.

Think of all the people this poor woman is exposed to on a daily basis, now that she finally lives in the White House. Mike Pence, for one — an advocate of concentration camps for gay teenagers, who will almost certainly be played by Christoph Waltz in the inevitable Trump movie. Jeff Sessions, Trump’s antebellum Le Fou, and his shadow twin in the Senate, Lindsey Graham. Ben Carson, the malfunctioning Replicant of a mad scientist. Betsy DeVos, treasured student of Dolores Umbridge. And, more frightening than all these goons and goblins combined: the adult children of her current husband from a previous marriage.

All these horrors congeal, like ants around a discarded hamburger wrapper, at the central evil: the Most Bullying Person in the World. He’s stupid, egotistical, cruel, callous, controlling, and lazy. He is always angry, always feels cheated, and is always ready to take it out on whoever’s nearest. And, because he is Melania’s husband, she is often nearest, only able to escape his madness during the sweet hours of the evening, when after 6 PM she can escape to the sweet refuge of her solitary bedroom.

Is Melania Trump a simpleton, or an innocent victim? Well, no, not as such. Did she choose her toxic surroundings? Well, yes, actively. Did she know the (arguable) billionaire she was marrying was a monster? Well, it’s not as though he possesses any charms to hide that fact, so we’ll have to assume a yes on that. But does she deserve to be bullied? No! Nobody deserves to be bullied. Nobody can Be Best in those conditions!

We have to do something about this, guys. The people of the United States are known internationally as people who refuse to let injustice stand (except for slavery, genocide, discrimination, income inequality, sexism, racism, homophobia, and warmongering)! What kind of message will we send to the world at large if we let these enemies of the people get away with tormenting our own?

Be best, you guys. Free Melania.

Categories
Rants

Daughter of a high school English teacher and an English professor, Evangeline is a survivor of Academia and an aspiring elegant person. She lives in St. Louis with her family and a lot of books.
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