While Republican Presidential frontrunner and bimbo expert Donald Trump held true to his boycott, seven other GOP candidates took the stage in Iowa Thursday night to prove they weren’t scared of Megyn Kelly. As Trump talked about himself and only himself at some event that was ostensibly about raising money for vets — he and his rich friends wrote some checks to make it appear like it was a fundraiser — his opponents had the stage to themselves to concentrate on their one true love: Bitching about Hillary and Obama.
Kelly got the event started by asking Ted Cruz — who was just so smugly happy being center stage — about the lack of Trump. Cruz made a sorta funny by tossing some childish insults, claiming that he got them out of the way so we had met our quota of Trump. Marco Rubio then followed up by immediately invoking Barack Obama, making sure that Republicans knew that they needed to keep the Obama Derangement Syndrome going until November.
Moving on, we were treated to Jeb! saying he missed Trumpy, making it appear that they had spirited exchanges in the past. No, Jeb, he beat you up and took your lunch money at every previous debate. Don’t lie and say you miss him. You were the single happiest person on that stage Thursday night and everyone knew it. You finally had the chance to talk shit about him without him bitch-slapping you back.
Ben Carson said things. And by that, I mean he just muttered random thoughts when asked questions. Regarding a Muslim vet’s concerns about dealing with Islamophobia, he sleep-talked something about political correctness and Teddy Roosevelt saying immigrants need to be more American. Later on, he said we need to put “Putin in a box”…and then kept mentioning it, regardless of the question. Really not sure if Carson knew where he was at. Poor guy.
Rubio kept answering every question as if he had just done an eight-ball along with seven Red Bull and vodkas. It was always blah blah blah Obama is destroying America blah blah blah Hillary Clinton is a criminal blah blah blah socialism into the Benghazi. Oh yeah, and radical Muslims with their radical mosques teaching their radical Islam will KILL IS ALL, but yay for religious liberty in this country. I think Marco should have shared some of his coke with Ben, but then again, Rubio’s kind of a dick like that.
We did get a really interesting part midway in the debate when Megyn Kelly totally pwned Teddy and Marco. Asking them both about their changing positions on immigration reform, she played video clips of both of them supporting contradictory positions (a la The Daily Show) that could be seen as amnesty for illegal immigrants. Both men were flustered, so they just took it out on each other. It is always funny to watch a Cuban from Canada argue with the son of two Cuban immigrants over who hates immigrants more.
Jeb with exclamation point chimed in and called Rubio a flip-flopper who cut and run on immigration reform. Bush felt like the BIG DICK on the stage at that point. Confidence is high when the schoolyard bully is absent for the day.
Chris Christie wanted to make sure you all knew two things during the debate — that he is a former federal prosecutor and Hillary is a total bitch. Every single answer had at least one of those two things included in it. Usually both. When asked about what he’d do to stop the rise of ISIS in Libya, he just said FUCK HILLARY a bunch of times because of Benghazi and forgot to even mention ISIS. Hey, did you know he was a former federal prosecutor?
Rand Paul was articulate, sensible, brought up interesting points and differentiated himself from the rest of the candidates. Also, he had a bunch of vocal supporters in the crowd. Obviously, this will be his last debate before dropping out.
Totally forgot John Kasich was there. So did everyone else. Why is he there again? Oh yeah, he’s supposed to be the ‘moderate’ or something.
For Republican voters, they probably thought this was a totally substantive debate that touched on the issues and featured real discussion. And, compared to previous ones, it would appear that way. But to all non-conservatives, it was just another circus, just not a grotesque freakshow.
Image via Politico