This year, which I’m sure will be different from other years, I will go from a weight in the average range for my age and gender to a slightly smaller weight in the average range for my age and gender.
This year, which is a new phase of life due to the cosmic significance of the Gregorian calendar, I will finish that book. You know the one. We were supposed to read it for book club.
This year, whose beginning does not align with the beginning of the fiscal year, I will make a career advancement. Perhaps I will ask my boss for a small raise, or study for a certificate.
This year, despite the distance of the Presidential election, I will resolve right now not to bring up politics at family dinners, a resolution I’m sure I’ll be able to keep all the way through to November.
This year, whose arrival will certainly cause major changes in my normal behavior patterns, I will stop being so goddamn negative about everything, even if it is all bullshit.
This year, finally, for once in my life, I will watch every Oscar-nominated movie.
I hope you have all made resolutions as great as mine, and that, like me, you have the willpower and moxie to stick to every single one.
Happy fucking new year.