Ted Cruz: The Guy You Want To See Lose The Most

Ted Cruz: The Guy You Want To See Lose The Most

Of all the presidential candidates, Ted Cruz is the worst. He is a political snake, and a divisive reincarnation of Joseph McCarthy. His fear mongering and toxic politics must end, and so it is time for Ted Cruz to be shown the Election 2016 door.

Why is Ted Cruz the worst? Because he is the whiniest hypocrite in the Republican field. Cruz is a Tea Party darling who got elected with Texan, anti-Obama convenience, and he has been smearing the President nonstop since, saying things like how Obama is the world’s biggest financier of terrorism. Now Cruz is upset because Obama has described his Syrian refugee fear mongering as “political posturing,” and he is playing tough guy in pretending that he has been personally attacked. Cruz has challenged Obama to come insult him to his face, while adding that Obama’s comments are “utterly unbefitting of a president.” Big. Baby.

This is the most thinned-skin, fake offense I have ever seen. Ted Cruz’s ENTIRE campaign is an insult to President Obama, and Cruz’s platform is to undo everything Obama has done over the last eight years. Cruz has pledged to repeal Obamacare, rip up the Iran nuclear deal on his potential first day in office, and routinely accuses Obama of lying about nearly everything.

This is why I have routinely written that Cruz has no vision for America. Undoing a predecessor’s vision and redacting all of Obama’s accomplishments are hardly a plan America’s future. Say Ted Cruz wins and executively undoes everything Obama did as he promises he will, what next? Who knows, Ted Cruz hasn’t said much about his presidency’s second day. Perhaps he will call Obama for advice on a daily basis so that he can do the exact opposite of whatever Obama suggests.

Why else is Ted Cruz the worst? Because he is a Fox News wet dream Republican candidate. Cruz’s campaign target audience is old, white Christians waiting for heaven while watching Fox News behind locked doors in safe, upper middle-class neighborhoods because their favorite Fox programming has convinced them that the 21st Century is full of gay, brown welfare queens trying to rob them and convert them to radical Islam.

And Cruz may sound convincing speaking with an audio book narrator’s passion in a folksy twang, but he is still slandering the human race with Us Vs. Them demonization. And consequently his Far Right supporters are statistically racist, xenophobic, Islamophobic, and/or homophobic.

In the last GOP Debate, Cruz explained that he is against amnesty because he is worried that the Republican Party will lose elections if illegal immigrants are naturalized. Cruz opposes the Fourteenth Amendment, and does not want people who were born in this country through no choice of their own and who have lived their entire lives here to EVER become citizens because his political party does not care to accurately represent their interests in order to win their potential vote. This is shameful and unAmerican, and the kicker is that Cruz’s own father is an immigrant! Ted Cruz is ideologically opposed to his own retroactive self-interest!

Why else is Ted Cruz the worst? Because he is so rabidly partisan and self-promoting in his empty political grandstanding that his own Republican Senate colleagues do not like him. I didn’t think it was possible, but Cruz has out-obstructed the party of obstruction. As such he is the epitome of minority-party politics, and his aversion to compromise of any kind does not make him an acceptable candidate for president. Cruz does not intend to be a president of all Americans, or even a president of all Republicans.

And he, of course, will not be because Cruz is egotistically dogmatic, and has been since he was a fierce debate competitor in college. Correspondingly, his one-term Senate career and presidential campaign have apparently been viewed as one big debate championship. Which is exactly how he gets away with having no vision for America: he just accuses everyone else of lying.

Watching Cruz at the GOP debates is like watching a spider because you often forget he’s there on stage. He bides his time simply watching his opponents beat each other up while waiting quietly. You never hear Cruz complain about getting skipped because he does not have a vision that he is desperate to articulate to the American people. He is a methodically patient arachnid, and watches for a moment in which he can interject an explanation on how the media is full of liars, too.

Cruz may have been legendary at debate while studying at Princeton, but a New York Times feature on his collegiate debating days relates how his debating bravado bordered on hubristic rodomontade, and backfired, costing him a national championship. The piece also investigates his debating colleagues’ opinion of him, and, predictably, Cruz was not fondly remembered by many people.

An analogous National Journal feature on Cruz’s college days corroborates this lack of likability, and details how one of Cruz’s debate colleagues ran against him in an election for the presidency of the American Parliamentary Debate Association as a last-minute, Cruz protest candidate because Cruz “took all the fun out of” debating by fighting a “protracted, bloody land war for total victory” in competitions. Enough people supported the 11th-hour anti-Cruz campaign, whose candidate’s only qualification was admittedly that he was not Ted Cruz, that Cruz lost the election having to settle for co-vice-president with the guy who ruined his victory.

Now these are collegiate stories, and Cruz’s campaign has pushed back against Cruz’s alleged lack of likability, so take them with a grain of salt. But let the record show that they are funny with karmic relevance, and they are very unsurprising.

Why else is Ted Cruz the worst? Because he thinks a presidential debate should be moderated by Sean Hannity, Mark Levin, and Rush Limbaugh, and that journalistic integrity means a debate moderated only by active Republican primary voters. So fair and balanced. Ted Cruz may be hinting that a Cruz Administration would incorporate Fox News into a de facto state media company, but is at least suggesting that, if President, Cruz would have more likability problems.

Why else is Ted Cruz the worst? Because he was influential in the nearly successful effort to privatize the Internet, calling Net neutrality “Obamacare for the Internet,” which is linguistically untrue. Cruz’s fear mongering that Net NEUTRALITY is akin to a government takeover is another perfect example of why Conservatism is a sham, a hoax, and unashamed economic hubris.

So these are a lot of reasons why Ted Cruz is the worst, and Cruz should not be allowed to continue thinking he might one day be President of the United States. His narcissism and partisan venom must be extricated from the Republican field of candidates, the Senate, and American politics for good.

Now Cruz will not drop out on his own, so if you don’t like him spread the word that Cruz has got to go. Type his name into Google and click the top ad so that his campaign money goes to Google; get the hashtag #masterdebater trending and couple it with a masturbatory pun to associate his campaign and debating skills with dick jokes and other naughty, sophomoric witticisms; do whatever else you can think of to sink Cruz’s campaign. Let’s start a populist campaign to oppose his politics existentially.

Seriously, if Ted Cruz pisses you off spread the word! Get #masterdebater trending! To help you out I’ve prepared several masturbatory puns that are Twitter-ready for you to use, or to get your creativity rolling:

@tedcruz has erected such a rock-solid debate argument #masterdebater

@tedcruz debates so FURIOUSLY all day #masterdebater

@tedcruz is such a #masterdebater because he debates so HARD

@tedcruz can ejaculate debate-winning arguments all day #masterdebater

@tedcruz is going to bust an oratory nut all over the Washington Cartel #masterdebater

@tedcruz is coming for you @POTUS with his ramrod logic #masterdebater

@tedcruz is beating Republicans so hard he’s mashing them #masterdebater

Because Ted Cruz is the worst.

Levi Olson

Levi Olson

Senior political columnist here at Contemptor, and a political scientist proving that American conservatism is a sham. Follow me on Tumblr at http://leviolson.tumblr.com/ or on Facebook & Twitter @theleviolson.