Disclaimer: this is satire, you Philistine.
Earlier this month, Joe Biden called up Anita Hill to apologize to her, personally, for his silence in the face of the institutionalized sexism and racism that led to her being publicly shamed for speaking truth to power. Even if he did not quite achieve the apology he aimed for, apologizing was certainly his stated intention going into the call. And we, the women of America, want to say: Wow. Golly. Way to go, Joe!
We’re just so flattered that you, a very important and influential man, took the time and energy to notice the crushing weight of systemic injustice that we had to bear every day and did something about it! Gosh. You know, we really thought we were screaming into the void, but your brave actions are proof that we were actually just screaming from very, very far away, and it took a Horton like you to hear us.
And really, can we just say: what an honor. That you, the white man who had the wisdom to oversee the confirmation hearings of Clarence Thomas but not get involved—at all, even a little—in the conversation you were moderating, are now deigning to respond to our concerns. We are so blessed to have your guidance.
When we heard the news on Wednesday, we were over the moon. The fact that you called our single chosen representative, Anita Hill, and personally almost apologized to her, is so meaningful to us. Thousands upon thousands of women have suffered in the hostile climate created by the mocking response to Hill’s testimony during Thomas’ confirmation hearing, so we really want to thank you on behalf of us all. By almost apologizing to Hill, you have literally almost apologized to all of us.
Even recently, the damage to American women’s rights and dignity has been made clear: the confirmation of Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh rehashed many of the misogynistic themes Hill was treated to, and all this amongst an entire movement whose sole goal is to point out that lots of women get harassed, assaulted, and raped, and that this might be bad! So on behalf of all of us, can we just say! It was really big of you to pick up that phone and single-handedly resolve the tensions built by centuries of gender discrimination in America. To be quite frank, now that it’s been done, we can’t believe no one ever thought of it before.
You have no idea, dear Joe, how far-reaching the effects are. Women from all over America have sent in dispatches (via the secret network of messenger bats that traverse our collective underground lair and keep us all informed of each other’s struggles) testifying to this. They have walked into their offices and immediately been offered thirty, forty, or fifty-percent raises to bring their wages up to the level of their white male coworkers. Dress codes in schools and workplaces have been repealed for review on the grounds that they are designed to control women’s bodies and their self-expression. Every sexual harasser in the nation was fired from his job on the spot (you may actually have noticed this). The economic overhaul should be interesting to follow in the coming years.
We’ve been working out a way to thank you for what you’ve done for us. Electing you President would obviously be one step forward—and isn’t it convenient that we have this opportunity for the first time right now, at the exact same time you made this historic phone call? We guess life is funny that way. But giving you the most powerful position in the nation can only express a fraction of our gratitude. That’s why we’re now in the beginning design stages for a statue to memorialize the way you, Joe Biden, have personally healed the nation.
We’re thinking of something in bronze. You in your office chair, holding your phone up, with a concerned and benevolent expression on your face. The pedestal will be engraved with the names of some of the most prominent victims of gender discrimination in our nation’s history, and on the front, we’re looking at a plaque with some sort of really healing message for the country. A few of our male allies (because not all men!) have suggested it read “We are sorry for the inconvenience,” and that’s been a big favorite so far in the brainstorming. We’d be honored, of course, if you would contribute a quotation of your very own, along those lines. We know you’re very busy, but we’d love to hear back.
And while you’re favoring us with your sage advice, we’d love a few suggestions on good ways to repurpose our messenger bats, now that the work of the cave-dwelling feminist cabal that once used them to spread sedition is well and truly finished. They’ve mostly got their rabies vaccines, so we think they could end up being a real asset to national security—or at least the national parks.
With love and gratitude,
Every woman in America.