The Circus Is Back In Town! A Running Diary Of CNN’s Very Classy And Huge GOP Primary Debate

Well, it is time for the second Republican primary debate of this general election season. Just like I did for the first one that was aired on Fox News last month, I decided to once again tackle a running diary of the action.

This time around, the action promised to be even more chaotic than August as Donald J. Trump has fully secured the top spot among the GOP polls. However, soft-spoken but equally insane neurosurgeon Ben Carson has closed the gap both nationally and in some early states. At the same time, former kids’ table sitter Carly Fiorina has made the main stage largely on the strength of her debate performance last month and her position as a ‘Washington outsider’. The other candidates, outside of perhaps Carson and Ted Cruz, came into the event promising to go after The Donald in an effort to get noticed.

I was barely able to make it through the last debate with the help of whiskey and beer. Will I be leaning heavily on the bottle this time? Let’s see.

(All times listed are Central Time Zone.)

7:10 PM: Jake Tapper gives the viewing audience a brief overview of the ground rules for the debate. Introduces Trump’s newest bitch, Hugh Hewitt, and fellow CNNer Dana Bash. Each candidate gets one minute to respond plus 30 seconds for rebuttal.

7:12 PM: Time to introduce the candidates.

7:12 PM: Rand Paul gives his little intro. He loves the Constitution.

7:12 PM: Mike Huckabee is next. Slams Clinton and Bernie. Calls the GOP candidates the A-Team with their own Mr. T. (Referring to Trump.) Oh, fuck me already. Time to get to drinkin’. It’s going to be a rough one.

7:13 PM: Marco Rubio makes a lame joke about water bottles and California’s drought.

7:14 PM: Ted Cruz says nothing of note, except he loves his wife and that he’s Cuban.

7:14 PM: Ben Carson sounds like he just woke up. Gives a shout out to Carly Fiorina.

7:15 PM: Trump says he isn’t bragging while bragging. Says the word ‘great’ at least twice in 30 seconds.

7:16 PM: Jeb! makes sure we all know how conservative he is.

7:17 PM: Hey, Scott Walker showed up. Name checks Ronald Reagan.

7:17 PM: Fiorina has a bit of a deer in the headlight look for a second, but then gives a nice little bio of herself.

7:18 PM: John Kasich slurps up Reagan’s legacy.

7:18 PM: Chris Christie tries to get the audience to participate, but really just wants to be known as the biggest slammer of Obummer. He really is trying to live down that hug.

7:19 PM: Carly Fiorina gets the first question regarding Donald Trump’s temperament and if she would be comfortable with his finger on the nuclear code. Carly punts on the question twice, even after Taper pushes her.

7:20 PM: Trump gets a rebuttal and goes after Paul right away, saying he has no business being on the stage. He pumps himself up as both an entertainer and a businessman. Says he is very good and very calm.

7:21 PM: Paul gets his chance. Says Trump’s answer was a non sequitur and says he is sophomoric and and that he’s a junior high student. Trump says that he’s never gone after Paul’s looks though he could have.

7:23 PM: First time we hear Trump say he’s #1 in the polls. Won’t be the last time. Criticizes and slams George Pataki for no real reason than to do so. Tells Jeb! that he’ll be a great President.

7:24 PM: Time for Jeb! to talk. Says the voters will decide if Trump will be a good person to have the nuclear codes.

7:25 PM: Walker jumps in to attack Trump and says this is what’s wrong with this debate. Says we aren’t talking about the issues.

7:25 PM: Trump goes after Walker’s poll numbers and his terrible record in Wisconsin. Talks about how great he’s doing in Iowa. Pumps up his poll numbers and says he’s never gone bankrupt.

7:26 PM: Kasich pushes his way in. He says that if he was at home watching this on TV, he’d turn it off because this is hard to watch. AMEN!

7:27 PM: Christie asked to address Carson about being an establishment politician against Carson being an outside. Whines about being a Republican in New Jersey and dealing with all those goddamned liberals. Claims he’ll be the vessel to fix the nation. Ends by saying Carson wasn’t talking about him when he complained about political expediency.

7:28 PM: Carson gets his turn. I don’t know what he’s really saying because he put me to sleep. Republicans will eat up whatever it was he said.

7:30 PM: Now Fiorina shouting out her outsider credentials. Says she will fight against the status quo. Gets a nice round of applause.

7:31 PM: Tapper asks Bush about whether or not he’s a puppet for special interests and billionaires. Jeb! responds by reading his resume and says he won’t be beholden to anyone. Bush gets a slam on Trump by saying The Donald tried to buy Jeb! to get casino gambling legalized in Florida.

7:32 PM: Trump claims he won’t accept any money from anybody during his campaign.

7:33 PM: Now a food fight between Jeb! and Donald. This is already so very, very, very tiring. Trump’s antics and making of faces is seriously childish…and people love it.

7:34 PM: Carson says something.

7:35 PM: Tapper asks Trump a question on foreign policy, He says he’d force Putin and Syria to respect him and nobody respects Obama. He then says everyone in the world will get along with him when he’s POTUS. Tapper asks him if his answer is that he’d reach out to Putin. Trump’s fans will say he’s showing strong leadership or something. Fuck me.

7:37 PM: Rubio says Putin is trying to replace the U.S. as the biggest power player in the Middle East and he’d be tough on him.

7:38 PM: Fiorina gets a little dig on Trump for not knowing who the Quds are. Also says she’d essentially threaten Russia with war by sending troops over to Europe and NATO. She also points out that she’ll give a bunch of countries intelligence and arms, or something.

7:39 PM: Sleazy televangelist Cruz finally gets to speak. He mentions radical Islamic terrorism and claims he’d rip up the Iran nuclear deal on the first day he’s president. Tapper asks him how that is not playing up to the crowd, knowing that it won’t happen. Cruz says that Obama is giving up America’s sovereignty, whatever the fuck that means.

7:41 PM: Kasich points out that he hates the deal, but still says that Cruz is showing his inexperience and that we can’t do things on our own, which is what will happen if we back out of the deal 18 months from now.

7:42 PM: Paul asked about canceling a state dinner with China. He hits at some of his opponents, namely Fiorina, for saying that they’d rip up the Iran deal. He pivots from there by saying we can’t just be bad players with other countries just to send messages.

7:43 PM: Walker says we should totally cancel state visits with China because they suck and that he knows way more about foreign policy than Obama. Says he’d like to play cards with POTUS because he always folds. Walker totally has some flop sweat going.

7:44 PM:  Jeb! says America needs to have Israel’s back and make sure they have all kinds of weapons to beat Iran.

7:45 PM: Huckabee’s pissed that he’s had to wait this long to get involved. Brings up the End Times when talking about nuclear Iran and Israel. Goes on a filibuster on the nuclear deal, says Obama treats the deal like the Magna Carta while Iran treats it like toilet paper. Points out that a GOP President needs to promise to shred the deal.

7:47 PM: Hewitt gets involved now and his first question is to Trump, of course. He starts by claiming Obama backed off of his redline threat to Syria, conveniently leaving out the fact that US voters pressured Congress to force him to not use military action against the country. Trump asked if Obama is responsible for the refugees crisis. Trump says Obama lacked courage. Hewitt responds by pointing out that the Senate didn’t want to let Obama act. (Thank you.) This brings in Rubio, who says the Senate shouldn’t hold any responsibility at all.

7:48 PM: Paul gets in and gives a reasoned response, stating that he feels we have to really be sure regarding bombing other countries.

7:49 PM: Oh fuck, now we get Cruz bringing up apocalyptic visions of a Middle East due to the Iranian deal. I just can’t…

7:51 PM: Kasich states that we can’t just act alone in bombing the shit of the Middle East.

7:51 PM: Cruz once again throws out a bunch of lies on the deal and says Obama is violating federal law. Kasich actually looks like he wants to kill Cruz. You can tell he realizes how dangerous Cruz’s rhetoric is.

7:52 PM: Huckabee asked about Kim Davis. Please, just fucking kill me now. Pretty sure the Huckster has a chubby while he proselytizes about Davis. He relates gay marriage to terrorists in Gitmo, somehow. Also says that anyone who passed 9th grade civics should know that the courts don’t make the law, basically stating that anything the Supreme Court rules on should be considered null and void.

7:54 PM: Jeb! wants everyone to know that he is totally cool with Kim Davis and he hates gays, too.

7:55 PM: Hey, Dana Bash gets to ask a question. She wants to know what Kasich thinks about Cruz’s plan to shutdown the federal government over Planned Parenthood. Says that people will only blame Republicans. Does say he hates PP, because fuck women and all.

7:57 PM: Cruz revels in his sleaziness. Claims that PP is committing federal crimes and they are a criminal organization. Uses Obama’s name about a thousand times.

7:58 PM: Christie talks bout how awesome he has been as a pro-life governor in New Jersey. Brings up Hillary Clinton and says she believes in the systematic murder of babies to make money by selling fetal parts. (yes, he said that.) He then tries to be the tough-talking bully and say why don’t we all make Obama do everything we want him to.

8:00 PM: Fiorina says she’d be a hardass against Iran as President and that she’d call their Supreme Leader and talk shit to him. She then pivots to PP and tries to guilt trip everyone regarding abortion. She, of course, gets a standing ovation.

8:02 PM: Tapper asks Jeb! about his gaffe regarding women’s health issues. Bush says he doesn’t have to worry about it because he’s totally pro-life but also cares about women’s health. Brings up Title X and says he’d restore Reagan’s interpretation of the law.

8:03 PM: Trump gets back in. He says he’ll take care of women, unlike Jeb! This somehow leads him to talk about Iran and North Korea. Sigh.

8:05 PM: Bush responds by totally ignoring Trump’s statements about Iran and North Korea. They then fight over Bush’s statements on PP, with Trump saying “Why’d you say it?” a bunch of times. Fuck my life.

8:06 PM: Walker pushes his way in because why the hell not.

8:06 PM: Tapper brings up Trump’s Fiorina looks statement. She responds with a knockout blow by just saying that every woman heard what Trump said about her and she’ll leave it at that, bringing the crowd to its feet. Trump tried to kiss up to her by saying he thinks she has a beautiful face and is a beautiful person. Nobody in the crowd is buying it.

Thank fucking God! A commercial break. Time to grab a drink or three.

8:10 PM: Ugh, we’re back. Was hoping they’d just end it. Taper asks Trump about his immigration plan and to tell Christie how he’d implement it as it is pretty much impossible. Trump says he’d get rid of all the gang members right away and build a big wall. Absolutely isn’t answering how he’d do anything he’s promising. Says he’d do it with management and heart.

8:11 PM: Christie says for 15,000 people to be deported a day for two years would be unfeasible. Then brings up his Fed Ex idea about tracking people. Trump says illegal immigration costs us $200 billion a year.

8:13 PM: Carson wakes up from his nap and talks about how we have a huge illegal immigration problem. Says we need to seal the border by building double fences with roads. He doesn’t explain why he thinks Trump’s idea won’t work. Drugs bad. Illegals bad. Criminals bad. Tapper presses him again. Carson just says he is willing to listen to anyone who can prove that they can do what Trump proposes.

8:15 PM: Jeb! asked about Trump’s statements about his wife. Bush asks Trump to apologize about his comments about his Mexican-American wife. Trump refuses, but does say he’s heard she is a phenomenal person. Trump gonna Trump.

8:16 PM: Trump says Bush is weak on immigration and he sucks on Common Core, too.

8:17 PM: Fiorina chimes in by saying Trump isn’t the person who brought up immigration first. It was brought up in 2012 and 2008. (She has a point.)

8:18 PM: Bush gets a round of applause by stating that Trump’s ‘plan’ will cost billions of dollars a day. Trump responds by saying that we have to get rid of all of them but we’ll bring back all the good and great ones. He’s just repeating his shitty stump speech at this point.

8:19 PM: Bash asks Trump to explain his issues with Jeb! speaking Spanish on the campaign trail. Trump says that we need to speak ENGLISH in this country and assimilate. Crowd doesn’t seem to be buying what Trump is selling.

8:19 PM: Rubio tells a story about his Spanish-speaking grandfather. Says his conservative grandpa taught him values in Spanish and that he’ll continue to give interviews in Spanish to reach a larger audience. Crowd responds nicely.

8:20 PM: Carson responds to a Tapper question by saying he was misquoted by the Wall Street Journal, saying that he doesn’t really want people to be allowed to stay in this country illegally.

8:22 PM: Cruz won’t directly answer if he thinks Carson’s plan is amnesty, but pretty much says everyone but him, Jeff Sessions and Trump are the only ones who don’t support amnesty.

8:23 PM: Rubio tries to present a sympathetic face on immigration. states that there are three faces of immigration and that it can’t be handled by a massive bill. He then gives actual specifics on a potential policy. Crowd applauds.

8:24 PM: Carson explains that he isn’t for amnesty. What he really wants is for low-paid Mexicans to come in and work for farmers and not have any rights.

8:25 PM: Now onto birthright citizenship. This should be fun. Trump is the first one to respond. He claims that the 14th Amendment doesn’t actually allow birthright citizenship. Erroneaously claims that the United States is the only country in the world that is dumb enough to allow those born here to have citizenship.

8:27 PM: Fiorina asked about her remarks that Trump is pandering when talking about birthright citizenship. She punts by blaming the Democrats and Obama. Seriously. That is what she fucking did. Tapper tries to interrupt her but she just filibusters and runs right through.

8:28 PM: Trump agrees with Carly that Democrats don’t want to do anything. Then restates the 14th Amendment can be reinterpreted.

8:29 PM: Paul brings up actual history when discussing the 14th Amendment. Eh, who cares, right? MORE TRUMP!!!

8:29 PM: Tapper brings up Trump’s slams on Fiorina’s private-sector experience. Fiorina was obviously prepared for this question, as she rattles off a bunch of numbers making her time at HP seem better. Name checks Steve Jobs. Also says her successor has pointed out that she was right and he was wrong and he supports her run for President.

8:32 PM: Trump calls Fiorina a catastrophe and disaster, because that’s what he does.

8:32 PM: Fiorina goes right back at Trump about his four bankruptcies, especially with his casinos. Crowd loves it.

8:33 PM: Trump claims he hasn’t filed for bankruptcy and then blames it on Atlantic City being a disaster. Everything is a fucking disaster when it comes to Trump.

8:34 PM: Christie tries to play working class hero when it comes to Trump and Fiorina, saying that nobody cares about rich peoples’ careers. Plays well with this crowd.

8:35 PM: Well, Christie went after Fiorina, so she goes after him. Talks about leadership and how we need people to go against the status quo.

8:36 PM: Kasich asked about hedge fund managers and if he’s raise taxes on them. Says he won’t and then pivots to his record as a tax-cutting governor in Ohio. He is the only guv on stage who is actually popular in his state. Sorry Walker and Christie.

8:37 PM: Huckabee says it isn’t that he wants to raise taxes on hedge fund managers, but that he just wants to get rid of all taxes for everyone. NO TAXES! Then brings up Reagan and says that he’ll do the same thing as The Gipper.

8:39 PM: Now we get Carson’s insane tithing tax plan. Tapper wants to know how his idea will work more than a progressive tax code. Carson’s answer: America! I need more liquor.

8:40 PM: Trump says he’s going to come up with a great, superawesome tax plan that everyone will love, except the hedge fund guys.

8:41 PM: Paul also wants a flat tax, because of course.

8:42 PM: Walker thinks raising the minimum wage is totally lame. It is all about creating jobs and people making more money. To do that is to get rid of unions, the minimum wage and of Obamacare. The Kochs are very happy with Walker sticking to his guns.

8:43 PM: Tapper is getting testy. He tells Carson that Walker didn’t answer his question regarding minimum wage. Carson responds that we need two minimum wages.

8:44 PM: Walker chimes back in. He says he did answer Tapper’s question. Walker says he just wants to make life people up so that they don’t have to rely on a minimum wage. The real world calls and tells Walker to shut the fuck up.

8:45 PM: Hewitt gets another chance to ask a question. He turns to Kasich and wonders why he won’t atack Hillary Clinton while Fiorina spends all her time talking smack about the former Secretary of State. Kasich explains that he wants voters to know more about him and his record. He then points out that he’s beaten Democrats all through his career and he isn’t concerned about Hillary.

8:46 PM: Fiorina goes on the attack regarding Clinton. Benghazi! Emails! FBI! Criminal! Carly also claims that she has more experience than Clinton. OK.

8:47 PM: Christie says he’ll put Hillary in jail if he’s President. Oh, fer fuck’s sake!

Lord have mercy! Finally, another commercial break. Time to get something harder than beer.

8:51 PM: Tapper is back wanting to ask questions about foreign policy. He asks Trump about Rubio’s slams about Donald not knowing other foreign leaders and dignitaries. After saying Hewitt apologized to him for saying he was unfair to him, Trump then says he doesn’t need to know these names because their just Arab sounding anyway. He ends by saying he’ll put great people to deal with foreign policy and to deal with these tough issues.

8:53 PM: Rubio responds by saying that a President should know all of the leaders of other countries and spend time being serious on the issues surrounding them. He then uses the rest of his time to paint Obama as weak and someone who hates Israel but loves Iran.

8:54 PM: Tapper is really trying to get Rubio and Trump to engage regarding knowledge of foreign policy. Rubio merely says that a President really needs to know these things. Trump responds by saying that he doesn’t know as much as a Senator, but the Senate sucks anyway, so who cares. He concludes by claiming he’ll know more when he gets to office because of all the great people he’ll surround himself with.

8:56 PM: Rubio is pissed. He says he is missing votes in the Senate because he is trying to be President and cares a lot about his country. Crowd really responds to him.

8:57 PM: Hewitt asks Jeb! about his foreign policy advisors that are just the old guard and family friends of the Bushes. Jeb! responds by saying there aren’t any other Republican experts that didn’t serve under his bubba and papa. Ends by shitting all over Hillary and Obama, hoping to get a response from the crowd. Nobody gives a crap.

8:59 PM: Trump says he’s a very militaristic person and he’ll provide his foreign policy team very, very soon. His team will be terrific. He then says that he was against Iraq and some shit. Paul tries to jump in but Trump criticizes him for only having 1% in the polls. Crowd audibly groans.

9:01 PM: Jeb! goes right after Trump for dissing his brother and says that at least we were safe under Dubya. The crowd exploded with that one.

9:02 PM: After Trump asks if anyone feels safer now, Walker tries to get in on the action by saying that is all Obama’s fault. Crowd applauds but not nearly as loud as for Jeb!

9:03 PM: Paul finally gets to talk and lets Trump and the audience know that he also was against the Iraq War, as well as war against Syria.

9:04 PM: Jeb! is back on the attack and says that we shouldn’t retreat ever when it comes to war. Rubio joins in and says that we have to essentially stay in the Middle East forever and ever.

9:04 PM: Hey, Carson wants to speak, too. He says something about not liking the Iraq War or something. I don’t know, for someone who really wanted to talk, he just mumbled some bullshit about radical Islamics and being a winner.

9:06 PM: Tapper wants Christie to fight Carson for the good doctor saying he wouldn’t have gone to Afghanistan after 9/11. Christie waves his patriotic flag and brags about being named a US Attorney after 9/11. Says he is proud to have been part of the War on Terror. FUCK OBAMA!!!! He gets a warm response from the crowd.

9:07 PM: Carson sleeptalks himself through a rebuttal. I’m too busy shotgunning a beer to listen to him, honestly. I think he said something about shutting off oil markets or something.

9:09 PM: Christie says we need to be strong and strong and strong some more, like Dubya. It works with this audience as he gets another round of applause. Carson says we need to use our brains and stuff.

9:10 PM: Rubio says we can’t use intellect to deal with terrorism. Got it. Be dumb and strong. I need another goddamn drink.

9:11 PM: Oh, fuck me. Now we have the Huckster. What the hell did he say? We need a president who needs to know what to do with what he knows or some shit. Yeah, I don’t know. I’m starting to see double at this point.

9:12 PM: Walker gets to talk now. Why? I think he’s saying that we need to just have unlimited troops in the Middle East right now. He tells the soldiers that he’l only send them into harm’s way if our national security is at stake, but that our national security will always be at stake.

9:14 PM: Paul gives his isolationist peacenick rhetoric and it falls totally flat with this crowd. They want to hear about how we’ll kick Arab ass!

9:15 PM: Tapper wants to turn it to Bash to ask domestic policy questions but Kasich wants to speak. He says that we need not only boots on the ground in Iraq and Syria but that we need to be more Islamophobic. Fiorina weighs in now and says our already oversized military needs to be way, way, WAY bigger. Bash looks defeated.

9:17 PM: Dana finally gets to ask something. Jeb! is presented with Cruz’s criticism of Dubya’s appointment of John Roberts. Jeb! gives Teddy shit by saying Cruz was a big supporter of Roberts before his Obamacare decisions. After saying a President needs to fight for his court appointees and get experienced people on the bench, Bash asks how Jeb! feels about Roberts. Bush kinda punts on it.

9:18 PM: Cruz reiterates that Roberts sucks because of the Obamacare verdicts. Ted then complains about not getting enough super-conservatives on the Supreme Court and he directly blames both former Bush presidents.

9:19 PM: Jeb! fights back and says Cruz supported the nomination. Cruz says it was a mistake to endorse Roberts and David Souter. Instead, presidents need to put goddamned right-wingers instead of people that might actually read the laws. Calls Roberts a liberal.

9:20 PM: Huckabee says he agrees with Cruz. WE NEED MOAR CONSERVATIVES!!!

Another break! Fuckin A! Shot!

Hey, this new Tom Hanks/ Steve Spielberg movie looks pretty cool. Need to mark that one down to see.

9:27 PM: Paul asked a question from the online audience regarding marijuana legalization. He has to answer to Christie’s assertion that Colorado will have to put the pot away once he’s president. Rand says he believes in the 10th Amendment and also says that drug laws have a racial component to them. He also says someone on the stage is a hypocrite when it comes to weed and wanting it to stay illegal around the country.

9:29 PM: Jeb! lets everyone know that he’s the hypocrite as he smoked pot back in the day. He also say that he is sure others up there have as well.  However, he says that hard drug issues means that we need to be tough on drugs.

9:31 PM: Paul goes right after Jeb! and says that people of privilege like himself don’t ever have to worry about going to jail. That will actually play well in the general election. Too bad Rand won’t make it that far.

9:32 PM: Christie brings up marijuana as a gateway drug. Seriously, are we still in the fucking ’80s?

9:33 PM: Paul’s rebuttal is pretty damn strong. He calls Christie a fake conservative as he says he only believes in the 10th Amendment whenever it is convenient. Christie comes back by saying he is cool with medical marijuana but he isn’t for recreational use.

9:34 PM: Paul once again is strong with his response. He says that the federal government under Christie could go into states and prevent them from having medical marijuana laws if it conflicts with federal law.

9:35 PM: Fiorina goes the sympathetic route by bringing up her child’s death to drug addiction. She then insists that not only is pot a gateway drug, but that it is far worse than alcohol and that the weed today is totally more dangerous than what Jeb! huffed 40 years ago. However, she does say we need criminal justice reform and not lock up non-violent drug users. She is really connecting with the audience.

9:36 PM: Jeb! is not for gun control at all. Gotta make sure to appeal to the gun nutters.

9:37 PM: Rubio brings up the normal NRA argument in that only law abiding people will follow the laws so there is no need to pass gun laws becasue criminals won’t follow them anyway. He then slams Obama, because of course.

9:38 PM: Cruz tells America that he’ll make sure we’ll have ALL THE GUNS!

9:39 PM: Trump asked a question about rich people receiving Social Security. Trump says he won’t use it. Bash wants to know if he’ll make it a policy. He says he’d make it voluntary. That is not an answer.

9:40 PM: Christie says he appreciates Trump saying he’ll go without but proceeds to highlight his own plan in cutting off SS to the wealthy. Somehow this leads to a slam of Hillary because why the fuck not.

9:41 PM: Uh-oh, climate change question. Tapper wants to know if Republicans should come up with a plan even if they don’t believe in man-made climate change, like Reagan did with the ozone layer. Rubio says FUCK NO! Our economy can’t afford it. He says people can’t afford higher power bills so fuck it. Let Florida drown! Of course, he gets a round of applause.

9:42 PM: Christie doesn’t think Rubio is a climate skeptic. He then talks about New Jersey’s clean energy programs and whines about liberal ideals about climate change. Christie then says George Schultz is dumb about the climate.

9:44 PM: Rubio doesn’t like being called a skeptic. He says since the climate is fucked anyway, well, fuck it. We aren’t going to make things more expensive. Funny coming from a guy from Florida.

9:45 PM: Walker wants to say something. He says we need to burn more coal for more manufacturing jobs so shut up libtards!

9:45 PM: Tapper outs Trump as an anti-vaxxer. He asks Carson to inform Trump on the issue as Carson knows vaccination is a good thing. He gives the facts but then says people hate vaccines because of big government. I mean, what the fuck? Really? Why add that dumb shit to a reasonable answer.

9:47 PM: Trump is totally right on vaccination and autism because he just knows. Honestly, his response is even worse than Michelle Bachmann’s.

9:48 PM: Carson gets a semi-zinger on Trump by saying he is an “OK doctor”. However, he kind of gives Trump an out by saying many pediatricians are fine with spreading vaccines around in a child’s life.

9:49 PM: Paul is not an anti-vaxxer but wants to give freedom to parents because libertarianism.

9:50 PM: Huckabee wants wars on every disease known to man. Also, it seems like he’s blaming Obama for not finding a cure for cancer.

YAY! A commercial break! MORE ALCOHOL!

We’re down to the home stretch!

9:53 PM: Lighthearted question time. Tapper wants to know what woman the candidates want to see on the ten-dollar bill. Paul gives a good answer (Susan B. Anthony) and Huckabee wants his wife on the bill. Rubio says Rosa Parks. Cruz agrees but wants it on the 20. Carson says his mother. (Fuck me with this shit!) Fucking Trump goes with Ivanka (the daughter he wants to bang) but also Rosa Parks. Jeb! says Margaret Thatcher, which is dumb. Walker thinks Clara Barton would be cool. Fiorina doesn’t want any woman on any bill because women aren’t special interest groups. Pandering bullshit. Kasich feels Mother Theresa is a good pick, if not legal. Christie ends it with Abigail Adams.

9:57 PM: Second lighthearted question. Now Tapper asks them to give themselves Secret Service nicknames. Christie says his should be Trueheart. Kasich goes with Unit One due to an in-joke with his wife. Fiorina says Secretariat. Jeb! zings Trump by claiming Eveready. “It’s very high energy, Donald!”He punctuates it with a low-five to Trump. Trump tries too hard by saying Humble. Carson says One Nation and Cruz goes Cuban with Cohiba. Rubio honors his alma mater with Gator. Huck says Duck Hunter. (Ugh!) Paul gives a long one with Justice Never Sleeps.

9:58 PM: Let’s associate with Reagan and Air Force One. Tapper wants to know how the world will look after their presidency. Ugh, fuck this shit. We all know what their going to say.

10:00 PM: Huck says something about abortion, respecting the police and being respected across the world. I already forgot what Paul said.

10:01 PM: Rubio will use Air Force One to spread freedom and also tell off all the assholes across the world. He’ll also use it to visit a free Cuba.

10:02 PM: Cruz says he’ll use his plane to defeat ISIS and say radical Islamic terrorism. Uh, OK. Something something flat tax, something something repeal Obamacare, something something kill terrorists.

10:03 PM: Carson says he’ll be like Reagan because he saved him from being a Democrat. Says that we can’t have entitlements because we can’t afford it, so fuck college for anyone else but the rich and you better kiss your Social Security goodbye.

10:05 PM: Trump says he’ll be totally great as President and he’ll make everyone super happy after he’s done.

10:06 PM: Jeb! says everything bad is Obama’s fault and he’ll make the economy grow at 4%. PROMISE!

10:07 PM: Walker tries to directly compare himself with Reagan. He says he is an eternal optimist just like The Gipper. How come he’s said so much negative shit this debate?

10:08 PM: Fiorina recites some memorized shit about Lady Liberty and Lady Justice. You totally know she stood in front of the mirror for weeks getting this down JUST RIGHT.

10:09 PM: Christie says some shit but I am just numb at this point.

Anyway, that’s it. People will like Fiorina a lot, in my opinion. Jeb! had some good moments but I think he needs others to drop out to gain traction. Carson and Trump got tepid reaction — and Trump got a lot of boos — but I don’t think it matters at this point. They are both appealing to a specific demo that don’t give shit about what they actually say bit what they represent. Rubio got a nice reaction from the audience but who knows how that will translate.

Well, I’m off to drink myself into a stupor. This was just so, so, so painful.

Image via Twitter/@HuffPostPol