My New Year’s Resolution: Stay Positive!

My New Year’s Resolution: Stay Positive!

Disclaimer: this is satire, you Philistine.


I have previously counted myself amongst those chagrined—even angered—by the events of 2016.  This series of unfortunate events leading up to the election of the fascist Donald Trump as President has been an absolute nightmare.  But, facing the new year, I believe I have discovered a way to counteract my depression.  That is why 2017 will be the year I stay positive by embracing my white privilege!

They say, “If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.”  And as an able-bodied, cisgender, upper-middle-class white person, I embrace my ability to join ‘em.

I embrace the fact that, as an enfranchised caucasian, my opinion is the one that matters most in a given discussion.  Gone are the days when I defer to a speaker directly affected by the issue at hand.  If I don’t feel the effects of racism, I now no longer see why we have to talk about it.  After all, all it does is make people angry.  Why can’t we all just get along?

I embrace the fact that I deserve the best.  No longer will I attempt patience when a server is having a difficult time at work.  Tips are for those who provide exceptional service only—after all, this is my hard-earned money we’re talking about.  If a waiter can’t be bothered to greet me with a smile, patiently answer my contents about the gluten content of the special, and apologize when I send the meal back to the kitchen for being over-spiced—well, then, they should have thought of the consequences before seeking employment amongst the waitstaff.

Speaking of hard-earned money, I will no longer apologize for my wealth.  I worked hard to achieve the upwardly mobile white-collar job I attend from 9 to 5, just as my father worked hard to earn his highly paid administrative position by receiving mediocre grades at the college his father paid for him to attend.  Those who resent my good fortune should have studied harder in school.

2017 will also be the year in which I start to enjoy films again.  Honestly, sitting in the independent theatre with my artisanal white cheddar popcorn and craft beer was exhausting when I had to divert my mental energies to wondering why there was only one black character on screen.  In the future, I will simply be grateful when one of my fellow white women is given a significant speaking role.  You have to pick your battles.

In 2017, I’m going to revel in the feeling of seeing myself represented everywhere I turn, and enjoy the frequent compliments I receive on my hair, makeup, and clothing from those around me, solely for the fact that my features mimic a European beauty standard and, as a young white woman, I just “look approachable.”  I will use that automatically granted trust to make more connections with the people around me.  I will edge around the sleeping homeless man on public transport to strike up a conversation with a fellow white woman about which book they think is the next Eat, Pray, Love.

While I’m at it, I ought to stop inviting the one Muslim family in my neighborhood to my church’s fish fry.  It just makes things awkward for everyone.

In short, I think 2017 is really going to be my year.  I’m going to think positively and, I hope, have more positive experiences with my fellow humans, since I plan to narrow my social circle almost completely to white people of my own economic class.  This is the time to embrace my heritage.  I mean, has there ever been a better time to be white?


Image via Shutterstock

Evangeline Van Houten

Evangeline Van Houten

Daughter of a high school English teacher and an English professor, Evangeline is a survivor of Academia and an aspiring elegant person. She lives in St. Louis with her family and a lot of books.