Well, That Happened! Bristol Palin Is Mad That Teenage Girls Have Access To Birth Control

Oh, Bristol. Sweet, sweet, dumb, stupid, dangerously ignorant Bristol. Whenever we need someone to point at as an example of the blatant hypocrisy and stunning lack of self-awareness that affects the average conservative figure, you gladly take on the challenge, guns a-blazin’.

In a Friday blog post, Bristol Palin, daughter of former Republican VP nominee Sarah Palin who caused headaches for her mom by being a pregnant unwed teenager during the 2008 election, decided to weigh in on her favorite subject — birth control! Yes, the currently knocked up and unmarried woman complained about a Washington school district over it providing free access to birth control to teenagers, as well as counseling and other services. The program had been criticized by conservatives this past summer for supposedly inserting IUDs into fifth-graders. (This wasn’t exactly true, as you might have guessed.)

However, that didn’t stop Bristol from making outlandish claims and whining about teenage girls being given access to contraception that may allow them not to get pregnant and have their lives forever altered while still in their formative years. You know, kinda like when a certain girl from a very religious family that didn’t want to talk about sex other than saying “Don’t have it until you’re married” found herself knocked up because, hey, shit happens. Accept, you know, most of these other girls don’t have a famous mom and are thus able to transition into life as a pseudo-celebrity. But, fuck ’em, they need to keep their legs shut! (Unless you’re Bristol, of course.)

From Bristol’s blog:

Do you remember what it was like to be a 10 year old? I remember being an unabashed tomboy concerned with playing outside and acing 5th grade.

But life isn’t so innocent and carefree for some 10 years old in Washington State. This summer a report came out claiming that some schools in Washington were giving free birth control implants to children as young as 10 years old! These birth control devices are implanted in a girl’s uterus, and all of this can be done without a parent’s consent!

…

It is crazy that the government is offering a controversial form of birth control that can have serious life-long side effects to 10-year-old CHILDREN, but then to do all of this behind a parent’s back is simply outrageous!

Look, the last fucking person who should lecture ANYONE on the use and access of birth control is you, Bristol Palin. I’ll let Wonkette’s Kelli Joy Gray do the talking on this.

As for life-long side effects of using birth control, well, Bristol’s not wrong there. One of the life-long side effects of using birth control is being able to plan whether and when to have children instead of just saying oops! every time a baby mysteriously lands inside of your uterus because you don’t understand how to make that not happen. This allows women to graduate from high school without their caps and gowns smelling like baby poo. It allows them to go to college and pursue careers, and we don’t just mean as reality TV stars or spokesdicks for abstinence programs. Every single study ever done has shown women benefit greatly, physically and mentally, from delaying childbirth until after they’re old enough to vote, as do the children they eventually have if and when they’re ready.

As for life-long side effects of using birth control, well, Bristol’s not wrong there. One of the life-long side effects of using birth control is being able to plan whether and when to have children instead of just saying oops! every time a baby mysteriously lands inside of your uterus because you don’t understand how to make that not happen. This allows women to graduate from high school without their caps and gowns smelling like baby poo. It allows them to go to college and pursue careers, and we don’t just mean as reality TV stars or spokesdicks for abstinence programs. Every single study ever done has shown women benefit greatly, physically and mentally, from delaying childbirth until after they’re old enough to vote, as do the children they eventually have if and when they’re ready.

Bristol also found herself being relentlessly mocked on Twitter over her latest screed.

Question, Bristol Palin…what happens when you’re a pregnant teen and your mom ISN’T famous and rich? https://t.co/89SFDAjOIR

— Lindsey Beer (@hstweetheart) October 9, 2015

If there’s anyone who should be first in line to STFU about birth control practices for teens, it’s Bristol Palin.

— Sasha Perl-Raver (@sashaperlraver) October 9, 2015

Liberals couldn’t ask for a better #BirthControl abolitionist than perpetually unwed mom #BristolPalin @bristolsblog http://t.co/oMhsTF1r4i

— Scott Wooledge (@Clarknt67) October 9, 2015

It’s really hard to hear anything Bristol Palin has to say about abstinence over all of that screaming hypocrisy.

— Eric Wolfson (@EricWolfson) October 9, 2015

How many babies out of wedlock with how many different men is Bristol Palin gonna have before she realizes abstinence has failed her???

— The Gay Burn Book (@SouthernHomo) October 9, 2015

When Bristol Palin lectures us about birth control: pic.twitter.com/h3u3KxE1cK

— TrivWorks (@TrivWorks) October 9, 2015

I guess it is true that the acorn doesn’t fall far from the tree.