Our Whiner On The Roof Needs A Song

I’m getting psyched for this week’s CNN Republican Primary Debate because like millions of others I’m wondering, “What’s he gonna say this time?”

Poor Donald.  It’s a tough job being him…so defensive and whiny much of the time…so set on bringing down others who are different…people with vaginas…people whose first language is not English.  Oy, what a job…what a persona to maintain.

But way down deep in my heart, I have to believe that Donald Trump might like to be perceived as a better person.  It’s possible.  Remember Tevye from Fiddler on the Roof?  He was a poor man who sang about what it would be like to be a rich man.

With sincerest apologies to Sheldon Harnick and Jerry Bock, creators of “If I Were a Rich Man” from the musical Fiddler on the Roof, here’s a similar song offered specifically for Mr. Trump.

If I Were a Nice Guy

Dear God, you made many, many arrogant people.

I realize, of course, that it’s no shame to be self-promoting.

But it’s no easy task either!

So, what would have been so terrible if I were naturally a nice guy?

If I were a nice guy,

Ya ba dibba dibba dibba dibba dibba dibba dum.

All day long I’d biddy biddy bum.

If I were a real nice guy.

I wouldn’t have to get gruff,

Ya ba dibba dibba dibba dibba dibba dibba dum.

If I were a biddy biddy nice

Yidle-diddle-didle-didle guy.

I’d build a brand new school with price as no object

In each needed neighborhood,

A well-stocked library and Olympic size pool of course;

There would be one new iPad in each student’s hand

and 3D printers all around

And imported marble floors, just for show.

I’d open doors for all those sweet illegal immigrants

And build homes for each and every one,

Learning Spanish as I make so many new best friends;

And each loud “Hola” and “Gracia” and “Buenas noches”

Would land like a trumpet on the ear,

as if to say, “Here lives a real nice guy.”

If I were a nice guy,

Ya ba dibba dibba dibba dibba dibba dibba dum.

All day lone I’d biddy biddy bum.

If I were a real nice guy.

I wouldn’t have to get gruff

Ya ba dibba dibba dibba dibba dibba dibba dum.

If I were a biddy biddy nice

Yidle-diddle-didle-didle guy.

I see my wife, my Melania, looking like a nice guy’s wife

With her warm and giving smile,

Adopting refugees from all around the world.

I see her feeding the homeless and hugging the battered,

Oy, what a saint that woman is,

Working for the masses, day and night.

The most important men in town would come to counsel with me!

They would ask me to advise them,

Like Solomon the Wise.

“If you please, Mr. Trump…”

“Pardon me, Mr. Trump…”

Posing problems that would make a president faint!

And it won’t make one bit of difference if I answer right or wrong.

When you’re nice, they think you really know!

If I were nice, I’d have the time that I lack

To sit with an open mind and think,

And maybe realize how much of a schmuck I’ve been

And I’d make amends with all I have offended, men and women alike.

That would be the sweetest thing of all.

If I were a nice guy

Ya ba dibba dibba dibba dibba dibba dibba dum.

All day long I’d biddy biddy bum.

If I were a real nice guy.

I wouldn’t have to work hard.

Ya ba dibba dibba dibba dibba dibba dibba dum.

If I were a biddy biddy nice,

Yidle-diddle-didle-didle guy.

Image via NJ.com