In the wake of the implementation of the Iran nuclear deal and the freeing of four American prisoners, as well as the recent news of the quick release of ten American sailors who were captured in Iranian waters, Republicans have tripped all over themselves whining about President Obama showing weakness. Two of the shrillest voices in the room have been GOP Presidential candidates Marco Rubio and Ted Cruz.
On Sunday morning, the two junior Senators turned serious White House hopefuls appeared on network talk shows to let the nation know just how much they think diplomacy sucks. Cruz, showing up on Fox News Sunday, pointed out that he would have bombed the shit out of Iran for briefly detaining U.S. sailors who had invaded their territory. Meanwhile, Rubio told Meet the Press’s Chuck Todd that he wouldn’t have given anything to Iran for the four American prisoners. Instead, he would have placed his dick on the table, and they would have passed out due to how large it was.
In the penis-measuring contest between the two wannabe Presidents, it is hard to say who won. Cruz, for his part, made sure to note that he would have unleashed hell and fury on Iran for having the audacity to do what any sovereign country has the right to do — detain those who come uninvited. He also let those watching know that the United States gave up a bunch of people who will now go and build nuclear bombs that will kill millions of U.S. citizens. (No hyperbole, he really said that.) Finally, Cruz told host Chris Wallace that Obama is a pussy, and nobody around the world respects him.
So, not bad for Cruz. Seems like he’s overcompensating a bit, but on a Chuck Norris scale of dick-swinging, I’d give him a 6. As for Little Lord Rubio, he was on point when it came to chicken-hawking. Shooting the shit with equivocating Muppet Todd, the Florida Senator spoke tough and carried no stick.
In response to Todd’s question about the Americans coming home and whether it was due to the Iran nuclear deal, Rubio invoke Bowe Bergdahl and the opening up of Cuba while saying that he would have just imposed more sanctions on Iran to show them who was boss.
“I don’t think these Americans should have ever been in prison. They didn’t do anything wrong. They are hostages. And so now we have a president that has traded hostages in exchange for prisoners who did commit a crime and were convicted after due process and a trial and everything of that sort.
And what the President’s now doing, not just with this but what he did with the Castro brothers and what he did with Bergdahl, is he’s put a price on the head of every American abroad. Our enemies now know that if you can capture an American, you can get something meaningful in exchange for it.
I’m glad they’re coming home. And by the way, the case of Bob Levinson remains unresolved. The Iranians, I believe, know where he is, and they are not cooperating. And it’s an outrage. We need to continue to remember about him. But that said, at the end of the day when I am President, I will repeal the deal with Iran.
It will end when I am President, and we’re going to reimpose sanctions. And if Iran tries to build a nuclear weapon program, we will stop it.”
The MTP host then asked Rubio if he would have struck a deal with Iran, which led to the GOP candidate saying Iran would have just stood in awe of the awesomeness of a Man Called Marco if he were Commander-In-Chief.
“When I become President of the United States, our adversaries around the world will know that America is no longer under the command of someone weak like Barack Obama. And it will be like Ronald Reagan where as soon as he took office, the hostages were released from Iran. We would impose additional sanctions, not just this Congressional sanctions now that would have been —
We would have given them sanctions, crippling sanctions. In fact, there would have never even been a discussion on these deals until they were released. Iran needs more from us than we need from them. We need to remind ourselves of that.
And at the end of the day, these are people that view these sorts of things as weakness. That’s why this week they captured our sailors. They tried to humiliate them on video, putting their hands behind their back and putting them on their knees and videotaping them apologizing. That doesn’t happen when I’m President because they will know that we now have a strong President unlike the weak one that we have now.”
All hail the two toughest motherfuckers on the planet. They are so tough, they didn’t even need to serve in the military or do anything other than be career white-collar shit-talkers. Everyone who encounters them knows they aren’t to be trifled with. They are that gotdamn badass. Just ask them.