Well, it’s finally here. The moment we’ve all been waiting on — President Obama’s final State of the Union address. Seems like only yesterday when a spry, dark-haired, ambitious man stepped up to the podium and reassured us that we would get through the worst financial crisis of since the Great Depression.
And while we did, his time in office has taken a toll on him and us. He now sports a mostly gray head of hair and has grown far more cynical after dealing with the Washington political machine. We as a country are far angrier and more divided, despite the unemployment rate going way down, the stock market way up, the housing market rebounding, gas prices plummeting and are overall economic situation at its healthiest since the late ’90s. But, y’know, black usurper in the White House and all, so we need to be mad.
Anyway, this is his last go-round doing this shit, so let’s get to it.
All times are in Eastern:
9:01 PM — The Cabinet members are slowly walking into the chamber. SCOTUS lumbered in earlier. No Alito, Thomas or Scalia.
9:05 PM — Ugh, MSNBC’s Chris Matthews getting all nostalgic fit Tip O’Neill and Reagan. Shut the fuck up, Chris!
9:06 PM — The President is introduced. Dems make sure to be loud in their applause to make up for sure to be tepid reaction from majority Republicans. Lots of ‘Happy New Years’ tossed out to those he’s shaking hands with.
9:10 PM — After roughly a thousand handshakes, hugs and kisses, we’re down to business. Paul Ryan presents POTUS and another round of applause.
9:11 PM — Obama makes a campaign joke about Iowa while also saying tonight’s speech will be shorter.
9:12 PM — POTUS starts with a small call for bipartisanship before pushing his final year agenda items. More applause from Dems.
9:14 PM — Now to the call for optimism. We knew we were going thus direction. Lots of references to change, bringing it back around to when he was elected.
9:16 PM — Points out we survived the worst financial crisis in generations. YEAH, FUCK YOU, DUBYA!
9:18 PM — Highlights the legalization of gay marriage. In yo face, Kim Davis!
9:19 PM — Income inequality, technology and climate change, world’s policeman and something else. He’ll break it down so we’ll get back to that.
9:20 PM — Unemployment rate cut in half while the car industry is back on top and deficits have been reduced by three-quarters…tells Republicans that they’re peddling fantasies when they say the economy is in decline.
9:22 PM — Points out that while economy is improving, a lot of people have been left behind. There’s that complex thinking shit that really angers pundits and talk radio jocks.
9:24 PM — Says we need to make college affordable. Paul Ryan looks like he has a bad case of hemorrhoids.
9:25 PM — Oooh, burn. Says a lot of Americans aren’t like Congress, who don’t have to worry about saving for retirement.
9:26 PM — Obamacare has brought 18 million people insurance and allows people to change jobs. Gets some laughs by saying he knows we won’t be agreeing on health care anytime soon.
9:28 PM — POTUS says he’s willing to have a serious conversation about eliminating poverty. Don’t hold your breath, Barack.
9:30 PM — Gets a standing I when he states that there is red tape we can cut. After getting some GOP love, he bails them by pointing out that food stamps didn’t crash the economy. B-U-R-N!
9:31 PM — Ha! “60 years ago when Russia beat us into space, we didn’t deny that Sputnik was up there.” So much shade in that statement.
9:33 PM — Some stuff about the entrepreneurial spirit leads to Obama putting Biden in charge of curing cancer. Or something. I don’t know, that was kinda weird.
9:35 PM — Calls out dumb Republicans who deny climate change exists by letting them know just how dumb they are. Also says why would we purposely want to fall behind others on clean energy technology.
9:37 PM — “Gas under 2 bucks a gallon ain’t bad either.”
9:38 PM — This all leads into a call for infrastructure rebuild. But that’s it, nothing else. Because we have to talk about how big America’s dick is next.
9:40 PM — Anytime you say something good about the military you get a huge standing O. No change here.
9:41 PM — Obama let’s the country know that we are the one the world looks to when a problem needs to be solved. Also highlights how busted up shit is elsewhere, like in Russia.
9:42 PM — Ah, we finally get to THE TERRORISMS!
9:43 PM — Dude’s on the back of pickup trucks aren’t an existential threat to our country’s existence. Thank you, Mr. President! About time you said it.
9:45 PM “Let’s call them what they are — killers and fanatics!”
9:46 PM — Obama then calls out pussy-ass Congress for not issuing an authorization of military force while criticizing him for his handling of ISIS.
9:47 PM — Let’s GOP know, once again, that he killed Bin Laden, as well as other terror leaders.
9:48 PM — Points out that we cannot get into any further quagmire like Iraq and Vietnam. Essentially saying that he will not get into a large-scale war while he’s in office.
9:49 PM — Hypes up the Iran Deal, which he credits to coalition building and international relations.
9:50 PM — This segues into a discussion of TOP and opening up Cuba. Kind of an odd combo, but I get what he’s saying.
9:51 PM — Points out leadership is more than just killing terrorists and occupying countries. It us about building up and helping our neighbors. Seems like a big FU to Trump and Cruz.
9:54 PM — “I will shut down Guantanamo Bay ”
9:55 PM — Now the “Fuck You” to The Donald comes in earnest. Calls out the vicious politics of hatred, says that isn’t who we ate and gets a HUGE round of applause. Big moment there.
9:56 PM — Ah, the fourth thing Obama wanted to touch on was the future we want as a country. And to that, he says we need to fix our politics. Notes that we need robust debate, but also basic bonds of trust. Sad he couldn’t make things better in Washington.
9:58 PM — “Our public life withers when only the most extreme voices get attention.” Kim Davis shown on screen during that time. You cheeky little monkeys!
9:59 PM — Obama says he knows many in Congress are trapped by what they think their base wants. Uses this as a call to get rid of gerrymandering. Boom!
10:00 PM — Also wants to see campaign finance reform and less restrictive voting laws. Man, this is some good rhetoric, I tell ya.
10:02 PM — I really want to punch Paul Ryan’s smug face. I just do.
10:03 PM — Obama says we can’t afford to go down the path of scapegoating and retreating back to our tribes when we get scared.
10:05 PM — I thought this was going to be a short SOTU. Not complaining.
10:06 PM — Gives some more of the Hope and Change. Definitely in the home stretch now.
10:07 PM — Nice. Some love for protesters, followed by saying we appreciate good cops.
10:09 PM — Hitting on all the good feelings at the very end until he finally hits the crescendo. Very inspirational, to be honest. Kind of MLK-esque in the finale.
Well, hope you enjoyed this play-by-play of Obama’s last ever State of the Union. It was essentially a big Fuck You to the far right, Fox News and Donald Trump, while also expressing disappointment that he couldn’t fix a broken system.